Dean Owen

5 years ago · 2 min. reading time · visibility 0 ·

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The Unforgiven



“You will achieve more in this world through acts of mercy than you will through acts of retribution”

So said the late great Nelson Mandela, fondly known to the citizens of South Africa as Madiba.


Me?

I am half the man he was, if even that.


I cannot reconcile with people who have clearly wronged society. I want justice.

I want those responsible incarcerated, or banished to live out their years in some cesspool. Milwaukee perhaps? Yes, banish them all to Milwaukee.


Harsh I hear you say. I mean, who could have done something so terrible to deserve such gross incarceration?


Well let’s start with the first guy who put pineapple on pizzas.

“We will hunt you down wherever you are.”

Seriously, why do we have to suffer the consequences of your actions? You have, singlehandedly destroyed my family pizza night!

“Why don’t you just order a different pizza then?” I hear you ask.

If only it were that simple…

Hey, when I was single and my buddies would come around to watch The Godfather Part 2 - yes, we could order a Pepperoni pizza with those dangerous little Thai chili peppers.

Fast forward to 2016 and the very thought of pizza night sends shivers down my spineless spine.

You see some smart arse (Yes, I’m British) catering company outsourced by my daughter’s school decided to slip in Hawaiian pizza for Friday lunches. Well kids don’t become foodies until they pay off their student loans, so it is understandable that all she ever wants to eat now is pineapple frikkin’ pizza.

But she can’t eat a whole one, no… So when it comes to ordering pizza, well we have to ditch the chili, swap out processed pepperoni for processed ham, and add limp chunks of canned uglyfruit.

Pineapple in Sweet and Sour pork? - Well that is a match made in heaven (well, to be precise, Guangdong, China). But although we are talking same ingredients, pork and pineapple, in this delectable dish, the pineapple serves a purpose in that its juices tenderize the meat.

So whoever you are, I will hunt you down. I will use all those forgotten chilis and stick them up your smart xxxx before personally putting you on a plane to The Badger State.


Next up, Mr. Processed Cheese. I assume it must have been a man as no woman is devilish enough to have thought of making cheese taste bad. On second thought, perhaps it was a woman who was looking to reduce her husband’s cheese consumption as he was getting a bit big around the belly.

As it turns out, it was a Swiss gentleman by the name of Walter Gerber who decided one day back in 1911 to extend the shelf life of one of heaven’s gifts to mankind.

Well that is the official story.

In fact dear Walter was a car mechanic working for a British company called Dunlop where he was tasked with making more durable rubber tires at low cost. German warships had been spotted near the Moroccan port of Agadir, and seafaring costs trebled causing imports of natural rubber from South East Asia to be no longer viable. But cows were in abundance, so the young Walter got to work in creating an alternative, and purely by accident stumbled upon a recipe that would destroy a newly developing fast food sector forever. Thankfully a revolution is in motion and gourmet burgers can now be found with real crumbles of stilton, or thin slices of sharp Irish cheddar. Pizzas can be ordered with real Mozzarella, not that shredded crap from Kraft. No matter, Mr Gerber, rest his soul, got away lightly, escaping the Wrath of Dean via a 6-foot hole in the ground.


Since I am teetering over the optimal length for a long form post I will end it there without mentioning Howard Shultz, but do share your most wanted nominees for banishment to Milwaukee.



Dean Owen is Co-Founder of Quimojo, a revolutionary new concept in Global Campus Recruitment.


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Comments
Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #23

#33
This one doing the rounds again? Almost embarrassing at how badly written it is! Pizza honey, hmm, don't tell my daughter. The big thing in molecular gastronomy now is bee larvae that has been through the liquid nitrogen process, crushed, and then sprinkled to ruin any tasty meal. Why oh why do we need to innovate food! Thanks Margaret Aranda, MD, PhD!

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #22

#31
I tink peraps we wa born from the same litter!

Louise Smith

Louise Smith

5 years ago #21

#29
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1T71PGd-J0

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #20

#27
Nice one @Charles David Upchurch, but I am saving all my "no's" for when she starts dating. And if I did the obvious, what would I write about? :)

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #19

#28
Heh, during the 80's Fosters and XXXX ruled the pubs in Blighty. Then the 90's came along and it was all Corona.

Louise Smith

Louise Smith

5 years ago #18

#24
Castlemaine XXXX Brewery is 7km and 11mins by car from my house ! You've gotta be kiddin' me !

Ken Boddie

Ken Boddie

5 years ago #17

Why is life so cruel? 😐 Mind you .... Tempting suggestion. 👍 #24

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #16

#22
That pie seriously sounds incredible. Cashews.... genius!

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #15

#21
I literally grew up on Castlemaine XXXX, bottle fed as powdered milk was too expensive. Just read that XXXX has been thrown out of Blighty as the Japanese dry beers are crushing it! Now just throw some canned pineapple chunks in your muesli and throw it in the microwave with some ketchup and processed cheese.

Paul Walters

Paul Walters

5 years ago #14

I so easily recruited only to be to be cannon fodder while I track down pretentious chefs, pizza parlours, who put chunks of pineapple ( tinned ) on top of something resembling a pizza and jamie Oliver's publisher who slavishly puts out more of Jamie's bland recipes!

Ken Boddie

Ken Boddie

5 years ago #13

Great buzz and research 👍 but, for goodness sake, Dean Owen, talking food all the time, I just don't stand a chance. The delicious aroma of those pesky pineapple cheesy pizzas is ruining my muesli and low fat yoghurt. 😡 And then there's your threat to spoil my favourite Queensland beer, XXXX (pronounced four-ex), by sticking chillies up it. I thought that you were one of the good guys???

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #12

#18
I really don't know enough on Soros to comment. I do know that he is super intelligent. I read his book, The Alchemy of Finance back in the 90's. Way above my head and toughest book I have ever read. I dread to hear what you think of Bernanke, Paulson and Geithner, 3 people who, in my opinion, did what it takes to have stopped the financial crisis from plundering us into oblivion. Unprecedented measures.

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #11

#16
Oh we are not that old Catalina \. Besides, according to the natives, Milwaukee ain't that bad. A great place for a social network outposting!

Bill Stankiewicz, 🐝 Brand Ambassador

Hello fellow bees & @Diane Schultz, I was born in Chicago & agree with you about the pizza. I miss Deep Dish!!! Uno's off Ohio Street was a weekly stop from DePaul University. Chicago & NYC has some of the best pizza that I have seen, I dont want to start any fights here with any bees so dont sting me :~)) , regards, Bill Stankiewicz

CityVP Manjit

CityVP Manjit

5 years ago #9

I assure you that I have been to Fond du Lac and it is not quite Green Bay and it is not quite Milwaukee, it is the most silent of towns I have ever been to and it is a perfect positioned for banishment between the northerly cheese-heads and the southerly brewers. I actually quite liked Milwaukee, but if I ever receive another assignment with the place name Fond du Lac on it, I truly will consider that a banishment of all banishment's. I was born in the hustle, bustle and noises of West London, England and not in the deathly and eerie quiet of Fond du Lac. Wisconsin. For sure I like meditative retreats but that does not include ghost-towns.

Bill Stankiewicz, 🐝 Brand Ambassador

Dean , after reading your post you made me hungry for a sausage & pepperoni pizza. If you were here I would save you half. Great post!!

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #7

I love Chicago Diane Schultz, especially the Italian food there (and the stone crabs). Most of all I love Kingston Mines and their fried chicken!

Pascal Derrien

Pascal Derrien

5 years ago #6

oh gosh I would not give pineapple pizza to a bee even if the poor thing could not fly well that does not really make sense but I suppose a pineapple on a pizza too :-)

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #5

#6
Heh, pizza crusts as hamburger buns! I think they have that actual concept all over central Asia no? Funny you spotlight Soros out of all the people you could have chosen. Soros has given over $11 billion to philanthropic causes. I would have gone with the ratings agencies, mortgage brokers, the bankers who repackaged junk grade mortgage backed securities into shiny CDOs....

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #4

#2
#3 Thanks Franci Eugenia Hoffman, much appreciate you stopping by (and gives me a chance to test this feature where I can reply to multiple comments!) beBee is awesome!

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

5 years ago #3

#1
Thank you Irene Hackett (I love your name by the way, Hackett being my favourite brand, Quintessentially British is their slogan)

Franci 🐝Eugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador

You have a great since of humor, Dean Owen. Thank you for a very amusing buzz.

Bill Stankiewicz, 🐝 Brand Ambassador

Nice one here Dean Dean Owen! regards, Bill Stankiewicz

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