“You will achieve more in this world through acts of mercy than you will through acts of retribution”
So said the late great Nelson Mandela, fondly known to the citizens of South Africa as Madiba.
I am half the man he was, if even that.
I cannot reconcile with people who have clearly wronged society. I want justice.
I want those responsible incarcerated, or banished to live out their years in some cesspool. Milwaukee perhaps? Yes, banish them all to Milwaukee.
Harsh I hear you say. I mean, who could have done something so terrible to deserve such gross incarceration?
Well let’s start with the first guy who put pineapple on pizzas.
“We will hunt you down wherever you are.”
Seriously, why do we have to suffer the consequences of your actions? You have, singlehandedly destroyed my family pizza night!
“Why don’t you just order a different pizza then?” I hear you ask.
If only it were that simple…
Hey, when I was single and my buddies would come around to watch The Godfather Part 2 - yes, we could order a Pepperoni pizza with those dangerous little Thai chili peppers.
Fast forward to 2016 and the very thought of pizza night sends shivers down my spineless spine.
You see some smart arse (Yes, I’m British) catering company outsourced by my daughter’s school decided to slip in Hawaiian pizza for Friday lunches. Well kids don’t become foodies until they pay off their student loans, so it is understandable that all she ever wants to eat now is pineapple frikkin’ pizza.
But she can’t eat a whole one, no… So when it comes to ordering pizza, well we have to ditch the chili, swap out processed pepperoni for processed ham, and add limp chunks of canned uglyfruit.
Pineapple in Sweet and Sour pork? - Well that is a match made in heaven (well, to be precise, Guangdong, China). But although we are talking same ingredients, pork and pineapple, in this delectable dish, the pineapple serves a purpose in that its juices tenderize the meat.
So whoever you are, I will hunt you down. I will use all those forgotten chilis and stick them up your smart xxxx before personally putting you on a plane to The Badger State.
Next up, Mr. Processed Cheese. I assume it must have been a man as no woman is devilish enough to have thought of making cheese taste bad. On second thought, perhaps it was a woman who was looking to reduce her husband’s cheese consumption as he was getting a bit big around the belly.
As it turns out, it was a Swiss gentleman by the name of Walter Gerber who decided one day back in 1911 to extend the shelf life of one of heaven’s gifts to mankind.
Well that is the official story.
In fact dear Walter was a car mechanic working for a British company called Dunlop where he was tasked with making more durable rubber tires at low cost. German warships had been spotted near the Moroccan port of Agadir, and seafaring costs trebled causing imports of natural rubber from South East Asia to be no longer viable. But cows were in abundance, so the young Walter got to work in creating an alternative, and purely by accident stumbled upon a recipe that would destroy a newly developing fast food sector forever. Thankfully a revolution is in motion and gourmet burgers can now be found with real crumbles of stilton, or thin slices of sharp Irish cheddar. Pizzas can be ordered with real Mozzarella, not that shredded crap from Kraft. No matter, Mr Gerber, rest his soul, got away lightly, escaping the Wrath of Dean via a 6-foot hole in the ground.
Since I am teetering over the optimal length for a long form post I will end it there without mentioning Howard Shultz, but do share your most wanted nominees for banishment to Milwaukee.
Dean Owen is Co-Founder of Quimojo, a revolutionary new concept in Global Campus Recruitment.
I don’t have much time. · I will not hide. · Thi ...
It almost feels as if I have lived there for many ...
You have no groups that fit your search